Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
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