Sober January is a disaster.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
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