she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
