he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
Alive.
So much puke
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
