chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
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