i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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