So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
whatever happens this semester dont let me be that girl yacking in the urinal. again.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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