Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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