dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Randomize
