I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
Randomize
