Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
