Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
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