My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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