I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
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