well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
Randomize
