I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
