OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Randomize
