So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
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