We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
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