my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
party gras won. party gras always wins.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
