Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
