Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
