Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
