You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
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