When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
Randomize
