So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
did i walk over a car last night?
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Is Oprah even human
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Randomize
