I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
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