When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
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