then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
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