He passed out mid-signature
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Randomize
