I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
Randomize
