I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
