did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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