I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
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