There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
Randomize
