My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
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