You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
I just found puke in my bra..
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
