i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
Randomize
