I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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