do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
