i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
My brain says no but my pants say off.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Randomize
