peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Randomize
