i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
the liver wants what the liver wants
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
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