if we break up, who will get the dealer?
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
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