You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
Randomize
