the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Mom said you looked used
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Randomize
