guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
I don't �care how much you're grieving �a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.�
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Randomize
