paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
