i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
Randomize
