She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Randomize
