Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
Randomize
