Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
