I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Randomize
