after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives�
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Randomize
