shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
how drunk are you?
Several
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Randomize
